Sana hawakan mo ako sa panahong nilalayo ko ang sarili ko.

nhadsien
3 min readJul 20, 2024

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To all self- isolation and self- sabotage girly, who finds it hard to express themselves.

I have always been a ‘self-isolation girly’ and ‘self-sabotage girly’, i valued my personal space, i valued being alone, and most of all my ‘me time’. There’s a different kind of comfort i always found in solitude. Whenever life tends to fall apart, all i ever wanted is to disappear from the world — but to be really honest..

..All i ever wanted was to be found in the most gentle and soft way.

I always find it hard when i’m not feeling well and i’m obligated to talk to people. The longer i talk to people, the harder i crave to just hide myself from everyone and the world. I know that expressing your feelings will lessen the burden that you carry, but it seems like no matter how i tried to express myself i just can’t, i am afraid — afraid that i could ruin their mood when it’s suppose to be just… me.

“sana hawakan mo pa rin ako sa mga panahong nilalayo ko ang sarili ko sa mundo.”

Having someone that will remind me to eat on time, consistently message me good morning/good nights, and text me random i love you’s even in times when i don’t respond just because i’m going through another episode of ‘hiding my self to the world’ was new to me. Everything was new to me, i didn’t know what to do, all i know is i was scared and afraid — afraid that eventually they’ll get tired of understanding what i feel, afraid that eventually they’ll give up on me as they realize that i’m hard to love.

“Natatakot ako na baka bitawan mo ako sa mga panahong ikaw na lang pinanghahawakan ko.”

But even after all of that, he never gave me a reason to feel that way. He is the only person that is willing to put up with my self- isolation behavior, he notices the signs — my silent cries of help whenever life makes me feel less happy. He sees right through me. He found me, and gave me love that feels so gentle, and for the first time in my life i felt that i wasn’t alone — that i wasn’t invisible. For the first time in my life i felt that i have someone to run to whenever life seems to fall apart.

“halika rito, hindi natin sila bati ha? kakampi mo ako. Tara ice cream tayo? ”

As a self isolation and self sabotage girly who likes to hide herself from the world, maybe… being found in the most gentle way wasn’t so bad after all.

So, to all self isolation and self sabotage girly, i hope you’ll get the love that is willing to find you when you feel invisible. A person that is willing to find you in the most gentle way.

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nhadsien
nhadsien

Written by nhadsien

Bawat piyesa na bumubuo sa‘yo. ᡣ𐭩 •。ꪆৎ ˚⋅ capre diem - seize the day!

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